An all-American...you know what's coming...

I have profound respect for the military. I mean, in general. The bureaucracy of the higher echelons usually annoys the hell out of me. In my opinion, Pte. Lynndie England should have been lined up against a wall and shot. And I don't have time for those soldiers who decide it's fun to go and set fire to kittens, or beat the living daylights out of new recruits. That's not what the army, navy and air force is all about. Unfortunately, humanity tends towards violence, and the armed services are a necessary evil. There are also moments of great courage and daring-do, from figures such as Alexander the Great, Admiral Horatio Nelson, Wing Commander Guy Gibson, Feldmarshall Erwin Rommel, just to name a few. In their own right, these men were heroes. But this is what I want to rant about today. No, not war. Not the military. Just that one word: "HERO". I'd like to get something straight with you: in my book, a hero is someone who does something quite extraordinary, not for his/her own sake, but for others. That doesn't mean that lending someone $5 for their lunch makes you a hero. However, this seems to be what the word is being degraded towards. Let's see some examples: Ted Smout, WWI veteran (dec.) Sergeant Ted Smout enlisted in the Army at age 17, and worked on the Western Front on latrine duty, carrying sanitation buckets. He was one of only two remaining First World War veterans in this country until his death last year. Now, it is true that this man served our country in a time of war, and carrying sanitation buckets in a warzone is by no means my idea of a safe and easy job. Yes, he was also awarded the French Legion of Honour, which the French Government have awarded almost every veteran from all allied countries who fought on French soil in the Great War. But when your claim to fame is that you weren't killed, that doesn't make you a hero. Even Ted Smout himself said that he was no hero in the war, and yet, when he died, what did the press refer to him as? "Our Fallen Hero". The man served our country, doing a job I wouldn't be caught dead doing. That is a credit to him. He has earned my respect for that. The Prime Minister called Smout a "lovely man", which I don't doubt. I just don't see how a latrine worker who was lovely can be categorised as a hero, merely because he dodged a bullet, shell or mustard gas. The five dead crewmembers of a crashed Royal Australian Navy Westland Sea King helicopter I'm sure you all remember the incident: during Australia's sterling relief effort of Aceh Province in Indonesia, a Sea King helicopter from the HMAS Kanimbla, carrying seven personnel, crashed, leaving five dead and the other two wounded. The next day, the front page of The Advertiser, that magnificent sentinel of the free printmedia, was adorned with the huge bold lettering HEROES. There was talk of posthumously awarding the dead crew the Order of Australia, or the Distinguished Service Medal. It's tragic that, while doing very worthy work, these people were killed by a mechanical fault that sent their helicopter plummeting like a stone into the ground, but let's face it, piloting an aircraft is risky business. Bernie Lewis wasn't a hero when his light plane crashed in New Zealand. Why are these servicemen heroes for getting killed? They weren't doing anything selfless or courageous...they were doing their jobs, and something went wrong. It's a damn shame, but it's not an act of extraordinary bravery. Strangely, the two survivors were not considered for the aforementioned medals. Are they thus considered not heroes because they had the good fortune of enduring the crash? They were doing the same work as the others. So I suppose it's virtuous to be killed while delivering aid, but not if you live. How odd... Douglas Wood, ex-captive in Iraq Okay, it's obviously not the nicest thing in the world to be held captive, under threat of death. I suppose you also need a good deal of courage to make it through such an ordeal. But let me be quite frank here: Douglas Wood did nothing. Not a sausage. He sat around and waited to be rescued, released or killed. Douglas Wood is a contractor, 63 years of age, in fairly ill health. He did not go to Iraq to "better the situation" of the impoverished Iraqi people, he went there to make money. And lots of it. Working in Iraq is a very lucrative business these days; due to the danger posed by insurgents, the pay is quite excellent. Douglas Wood knew the danger. In fact, he was counting on it; with the threat of possible capture and/or death, his pay-cheque was most impressive. The fact that he knew all of this and was then captured does not make him a hero. The fact that he was released and rescued, likewise. Even so, the press has gone bananas. He's sold his story of his "terrifying ordeal" for some $250,000, and journalists have been quick to call him a hero, because of his ability to endure his tenure as a prisoner. Douglas Wood is alive and well. Good for him. I didn't want him dead. But I'm not going to glorify and idolise him because he took a risk to make money and lost, nor because his rescue was organised at the cost of some $10,000,000 to the Australian Government. It's good that he's alive. But he should be no one's hero. How else can we trivialise the idea of heroes? Maybe Billie-Joe Armstrong will be the next international hero, because American Idiot sold well around the world. Or will it be Roger MacPherson from 26 Smith Street, London, because he went and bought a tin of food for the cat, risking getting caught in the rain? Perhaps it will be yours truly, Bodie Ashton, because I played indoor soccer on Friday... So the next time you staple an assignment together, maybe you too will stop thinking "that's another assignment out of the way", and start thinking about how you could be the next world idol, because you risked a nasty paper-cut, but survived unscathed.