The Soapie Script

I recently wrote this script for Days Of Our Lives and will be sending it to the show's producers for consideration as an actual episode. Since the real character names are unknown to me and I care not for their pathetic, superficial asses I have created my own, which hopefully the shows writers can adapt to. I suggest they scrap their current cast altogether, not just because they are abysmal actors, but also because they have no soul and deserve to be jobless; these creatures belong on street corners, selling their plastic bodies to men and woman alike. I am sure they will find the time to fulfil my requests as the calibre of this script is far superior to anything they could dream of. Episode 9562 Roll theme music … “Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives…” SCENE 1: Location: Pool-room - Characters: Jake, Clarise [Clarise walks into the pool room and finds Jake playing with himself] CLARISE: “Jake, I am so angry. I’m gonna spend the next half hour blathering pointless crap that nobody cares about.” JAKE: “Hey babe, lay it on me, right now I got hours n’hours to burn so I can take all the bitchin joo please.” CLARISE: “Of course you’ve got hours to burn, you screwed your bosses 17 year old daughter and got fired, REMEMBER?” [Rapid pan and zoom-in on Jake’s face, who appears to be pleased with himself] JAKE: “That’s right.” (runs hand through hair) [Rapid zoom-out and pan to centre characters] CLARISE: “Yea well … anyways what I came in here to talk about was that I am very distraught about something Harry told me earlier about Janise.” JAKE: “Sure thing babe, tell me all about it I’m all ears (lines up a ball and takes a shot) CLARISE: “Harry told me that Prue told him that Jasmine told her that Janise is seeing a psychiatrist!” [Rapid pan and zoom-in on Jake’s face, he is lining up a shot and looks up at Clarise with a distraught expression] JAKE: Woah. [Rapid zoom-out and pan to centre characters] CLARISE: “tell me about it, I don’t know what is wrong with her.” JAKE: “How did she bag a psychiatrist? Those dudes are way outta her skanky league.” CLARISE: “She’s not DATING one you dumbshit. Oops.” (covers mouth) JAKE: “Keep your anger under control, phsyco lady. I’ve had enough of this crappy conversation and I’m moving onto the next scene, which will be in the kitchen.” [Jake throws cue on the ground in an unexplained fit of anger and walks from the room, Clarise remains seated on the couch and is crying for no reason.] SCENE 2: Location: Kitchen – Characters: Jake, Gary, Karyl [Jake is making himself lunch when Gary walks in] GARY: “Howsit hangin’, son. JAKE: “WHASSUP daddio just whipping up a crazy-ass sandwich complete with lettuce, cheese and tomato. Insane! GARY: “Pretty ambitious sandwichery there, son. The doc said to lay off the lettuce for a while though, and I don’t want to be a scrooge but..-” JAKE: “Gimme a break, its MY life, I’ll be screwed if you or some crappy doctor tells me what to do. You think I don’t know what kind of effect lettuce has on me? Huh? I know all about lettuce, what do you know? You read some shit in a book and you think you know what’s best for me. Well I am in this hell, and you are looking IN. If I want to eat lettuce, I’ll fucking eat it. Now FUCK OFF. GARY: (sighs) “Alright, son.” [Gary walks away, shaking his head and feeling helpless to Jake’s unstoppable lettuce abuse. Jake continues to make his sandwich, and he is manic now, stuffing entire lettuce leaves into his mouth and foaming at the mouth as he slices his sandwich into halves with a huge knife.] [Karyl walks in, Jake is standing at the fridge putting things away with his back to her] KARYL: “Jake, I just spoke to your father… this lettuce consumption has got to stop, your throwing your life away.” [Jake swings around, fire in his eyes and blade in hand. He bares his teeth to show a snarl brimming with lettuce.] JAKE: “RRAAAAAAAWR!!” [Jake hurls the knife at Karyl with all his strength. It spins through the air, the blunt end slams her in the head and she falls backwards onto the floor] KARYL: “OH MA GAWD OH MA GAWD I GOT STABBED IN THE HEAD. [Jake runs over to her and grabs her by her shirt with one hand, slapping her with the other] JAKE: “Quit it biznatch. QUIT IT. YOU TOOK THE HANDLE.” [scene ends with an overhead shot of Jake slapping his mother repeatedly across the face] SCENE 3: Location: Josie’s room – Characters: Josie, Laura [Josie and Laura are hanging out in the bedroom, tearing up magazines and sticking crappy pictures onto their school books] LAURA: “What’s going on out there?” JOSIE: “What do you mean? I don’t hear nothing. LAURA: “Doesn’t sound like nothing. In fact it sounds like someones getting their ass handed to them, shouldn’t you check it out.” JOSIE: “Just drop it, okay?” LAURA: “No but it REALLY sounds like someones getting hurt” JOSIE: “OH MA FUCKING GAWD THERES NOTHING GOING ON, JUST DROP IT. CHRISSAKE. AWWWWWW pRAT.” [Josie flips out and starts pulling on her own hair, rolling around the floor] LAURA: (pause) Josie? What the hell? Take it easy… [Laura gets up and slowly, cautiously moves for the phone on Josie’s dresser. At this point Josie is curled up in a ball in the corner, rocking back and forth, and occasionally biting chunks off an UHU gluestick] [Laura dials into the phone (one-way conversation)] LAURA: “Mum.. I’m ready to be picked up from Josie’s… yea everything’s juuust fine. (Laura is mumbling incoherently in the background) When will you be here… now? Okay good. Don’t be afraid to really step on it.” [Laura moves towards the door] LAURA: “Alright seeya Josie I have to wait for mummsy outside! You easy up on that glue now.” [She opens the door slightly, peeking left and right to make sure the way is clear. Screams echo down the hallway from the kitchen area. She makes a run for the back door past the laundry but Jake’s bedroom door flies open and Gary pushes a trolley full of lettuces out, blocking her way] GARY: “LOOK AT HIS KARYL, JUST LOOK” [Laura turns around, realising her only escape is through the kitchen and out the front. She runs through, noticing Karyl standing over Jake repeatedly hitting him in the head with a dustbuster. Clarise walks in from the pool-room, tears still streaming down] CLARISE: “You heading off Laura?” LAURA: “Yea.” CLARISE: “Take it easy, hah you must think this place is a bit of a madhouse. Hey tell your sister to call me we should catch up.” LAURA: “Not at all, and I’ll tell her for sure…” JAKE: (looks up from on the floor) “Seeya, Laura.” LAURA: “Yea bye…” [Laura runs out the door] [Scene fades. Montage begins, showing in slow motion Laura running through the door and outside. Montage is to the tune of the Star Trek: Enterprise Theme Song by M People “It's been a long road, Gettin from there to here, It's been a long time, But my time is finally here…” etc. You see slow-motion images of Josie eating glue, camera zoomed in on her crazed face. Cut to a birdseye shot in the hall way showing Gary pushing the trolley full of lettuces past in slow motion. Cut to the kitchen where Clarise is pouring a glass of milk as Jake and Karyl wrestle over a piece of lettuce on the floor. Camera pans across the room, then moves through the house mimicking the flight of a bird, after passing all the rooms the camera flies out the front door and you see Laura getting into the car as it passes over the top and over the roofs of other houses, up, up into the sky. Shot fades to black, as does the reflective music. Days Of Our Lives theme music ensues and credits roll] That's it, I hope you enjoyed it and any comments would be appreciated.