Oh Schick!...How the war on terror was really a campaign by shaving companies to link beards to terrorism, hence making everyone shave

Paddy suggested it, and I thought, what the hell, what's the harm in doing so... It has often been suggested that the current "War On Terror" is actually a smokescreen for American capitalist imperialism taking hold of oil stocks in countries such as Iraq and, probably inevitably, Iran. Also, such megacorporations as Haliburtons, Microsoft and so on have gained lucrative contracts "rebuilding" Iraq, whereas in fact, as we all surmised, this is just a flimsy excuse to make flipping great wodges of cash. However, little attention has been paid to the possibility that there could be another side to this capitalist enterprise. Indeed, even the mundane aspects of life have been irrevocably altered by the war. I refer, of course, to the fine art of shaving. Here are three photographs for your perusal...they are of men possibly well-known to you. They are of men who no one in society who condemns senseless murder would want to emulate in any way. Osama bin Laden, head of al-Qaeda, officially the world's most wanted man. Bin Laden, of course, was behind the shocking attacks of 11 September 2001, but previously masterminded the attack on the USS Cole and the bombing of two US embassies in Africa. Abu Bakr Bashir, the head of Jemaah Islamiyah, the extremist Islamic organisation in Indonesia. Many believe Bashir was the force behind the 2002 Bali bombings. Abu Hamza, the fundamentalist Muslim cleric from Britain, who has recently been indicted by the US on charges of supporting al-Qaeda. Hamza has been an outspoken supporter of bin Laden. These guys all have three major things in common, besides being terrorists. Firstly, they are Muslim. However, as true Islam does not condone or even tolerate these shocking terrorist activities, it would be wrong to say that Islam itself is bad. Islam, like all other religions, is legitimate, and to say that all Muslims are terrorists because of a very minuscule number who are, is like saying that all Australians are murderers because of Martin Bryant, the Port Arthur killer. Secondly, they're all men. Surprise surprise. But I'm not a terrorist. So masculinity is not an important factor. Finally, they all have big beards. And this is where the crux of the matter is. No one wants to be identified as a terrorist sympathiser. But past instances has shown that people are identified due to generalisations: anyone in Bavaria in 1919 who carried a red flag, for example, was classed as a Communist and executed, despite the fact that the red flag was also the sign of chimney-sweeps who were in no way connected with Marxism. So let's consider how people think. I stress a lot that this is only very vague and does not show my own thoughts about the issue, I am only using generalisations that are apparent in the coverage of such issues. Terrorist = male + religious zeal + big beard So, what from this can we, the people partaking in these generalisations, change, in order not to be seen as a terrorist? It's pretty drastic to change one's gender, and most people will not change their religious beliefs for anything (and good on them, too). BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FACIAL HAIR??? Let's also not forget the Taliban: the press reported many instances where men were flogged, or even killed, for not having enough of a chin growth. And no one likes to be thought of as either Taliban or one of the oppressed, do they? It's no coincidence that razor sales have gone up greatly since the September 11 attacks. In 2003, for instance, Gillette razor sales rose some 11% in the second financial quarter of the year, continuing a trend that began-you guessed it-in September-October 2001. People don't want to be thought of as terrorists. So, whereas a beard might once have been looked upon as chic, now people look for the Schick in order to get rid of said growth, or at least make it not so...Osama-ish. Not all beards are "bad", though. Juan Legaspi, for instance, sports a fashionable stubble, which makes him look decadently western and business-savvy...which is the look he wants. No one would ever accuse Osama bin Laden of being decadently western because hey, that's what he wants to destroy. Bodie Ashton sports a sorry excuse for a goatee-moustache combination, and it looks simply like I couldn't be bothered shaving because I'm a lazy university student. Scotsmen, too, can get away with having a bloody large beard, because Scotsmen are supposed to be big, burly individuals who wear tartan skirts and have big, red, curly, hedge-like facial hair exploding from their chins. It's when you start looking like Abu Hamza that people stroke their chin and reach for their trusty fridge magnet, to call that terrorist hotline the Federal Government set up. And that's what the shaving companies want. It's always been said that war is good for business. Now, it seems, Gillette are cashing in on that. Dust off the Mach3 Turbo razor, guys...