Secret Men's Business...

As I was walking into the Unibar toilets to take a mandatory urination stop I made a decision that every man has to make when he/she (most likely a he, unless you are manwoman) enters a public toilet, or as I like to call it, "the domain of the excretion of waste" (aka Casa Excretius). This decision is whether to use the: A) Urinal B) Toilet Bowl/Cubicle Of course each excretion apparatus has its pros and cons. I will not do a solid excretion on a urinal for example, that would just be plain silly. The urinal is designed for urinating (hence its name). The drainage mechanisms in the urinal are simply not designed to handle large solid volumes of waste. Thus, we have the toilet bowl. The toilet bowl is most commonly used for the purposes of 'taking a dump'. But it can also be used for urinating. However, we have a opportunity cost here...the time spent urinating in a toilet bowl is much greater than the time to urinate in a urinal...we are losing time urinating in a toilet bowl. Despite this fact, many toilet-goers decide to urinate in a bowl. This is a clear loss of productivity. Why am I pissed off? I don't mind it when people piss in a cubicle of their own, I won't be going up to them and say "HEY! Piss over here you tosser! You got better things to do than waste (literally) more time pissing here than you need to!" Hell, sometimes I urinate in the toilet bowl... But I make sure to not make noise! I aim to the sides of the bowl to reduce feedback noise. Here is my theory of Bowl Audio Splash Convergence...in this diagram, the green area is the optimum area to aim for minimum noise, the red area represents high noise probability... Bowl Audio Splash Convergence Diagram 1a: Where Green is optimum area, red is danger zone Today wasn't my day... When I decided to urinate in the urinals at the Unibar toilets today, I heard a tremendous splashing noise, not too disimilar to the noise a toilet makes when its on full flush. But the noise persisted for another 30 seconds, much too long for a flush. I later realised that this was not a flush noise...but a man (or manwoman) taking a piss right smack bang middle in the bowl! THERE WAS FEEDBACK! Is this person insane!?! The immense noise he made was deafening! I could hardly hear myself whistle as I excreted liquid waste! Such rude behaviour in a private place such as the Casa Excretius! Has society gone so low as to accept the disgusting behaviour of forcing my audience to the sound of urination?!?!?!? I don't need to hear splash, I really don't. If this guy can't aim then he better stick to the urinal. I was then washing my hands, only to see this uncaring ingrate walk out of the toilet WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS! Yeah his excuse might be "I don't piss on my hands" but I will never shake hands with a man who shook "himself" before me. Where's the consideration in other peoples hygene huh? I pray that man doesn't have a girlfriend or friends for that matter, for he could be spreading urine-born diseases such as Manwomanism. But isn't this behaviour symbolic of society in the 21st Century? There is no concern for the common good, it's all about me me me (the fact im ranting is further proof). So lets work together in creating a caring society where men urinate in peace and quiet. Ahhhhh, the serenity.... Ever wondered how a toilet bowl ticks? http://www.toiletology.com/bowl.shtml http://www.toiletology.com/howitwrk.shtml Did You Know? Australians are on the cutting edge of toilet design? The Caroma dual flush system is considered a flawless flush system. A 10 minute video of how the Caroma Dual flush system works.

Stupid Pricing Schemes

Here we go again, another pointless whinge published on the internet in the name of stress relief - Juan, for the Count Casbah, I love you. Congratulations by the way on your impending relationship with the lovely Caitlin Hadrill, who unlike the majority of people in the world, has already starred in one of my posts. Health and happiness to you both! Anyways my friends, back to the topic at hand. Unlike most of you people, I am not studying full time and hence, I am not actually a full time student. What really pisses me off is that the general pricing scheme for cinemas and well, cinemas in particular is: Adults, Concessions (students and the elderly and unemployed) and Children. So as I do, saunter up to the ticketing counter and ask to see Star Wars Episode 3 at Brisbane's rather nice Southbank cinema. The buxom girl (and Brisbane is full of these) on minimum wage asks me what kind of ticket I have. Being a minor, and hence denied the pleasures of drinking, gambling and um legal prostitution in 6 states (sorry SA) I should be entitled to cheaper movie tickets. But no, according to most cinemas children are 2 - 12 years old only. I used to be able to bluff my way through, but with facial hair starting to appear, it usually doesn't work. That leaves the Concessions category. But no, I'm not a student, although I do have an out of date student card. Which usually works. Today, this buxom lass in question seemed a wee bit put out, perhaps with some more buxom lasses circulating the foyer and refused to accept my false studenthood. Which leaves the adult ticket, the most expensive of the lot. BUT I AM NOT A FUCKING ADULT. If I am going to be denied booze, gambling and sleazy women simply because I am under the magical age of 18, then I damn well should pay children's prices, or at most, those of a student. This time, me and Jun Bin were running late to see Star Wars and i begrudgingly handed over the $2 difference, but next time I shall forcibly plead my case of not having to pay anything because the pricing staff are too incompetent to devise a category for the non-student minors like myself. That is all. No it's not. The buxom lass suddenly became less buxom. And Star Wars Episode 3 was great.

Hippies aren't Human

What's the deal with these people who believe in the equality of rights between man and animal alike? I believe in equality, yeah, all of us should be able to get along in this big planet of ours. But some people just don't make sense (funny coming from me, i know)... There are two types of animal activists...(source:Wikipedia) Animal rights/liberation Animal welfare Animal rights Animal rights, or animal liberation, is the movement to protect non-human animals from being exploited by humans. It is a radical movement, insofar as it aims not merely to attain more humane treatment for animals, but to include many animals within the moral community — that is, all those whose basic interests (for example, in not being made to suffer unnecessarily) ought to be given the same consideration as our own similar interests. Animal welfare Animal welfare is the viewpoint that some or all animals, especially those under human care, should be treated in such a way that they do not suffer unnecessarily. This position usually focuses on the morality of human action (or inaction), as opposed to making deeper political or philosophical claims about the status of animals, as is the case for an animal rights viewpoint. For this reason animal welfare organizations may use the word humane in their title or position statements. So, animal liberationists are the most radical of animal activists. These are the people that believe that animals are our equals, nay, our MASTERS. Don't let these peole run the country, they might believe that "Planet of the Apes" is a Utopia... These kind of people are nothing but hopless dreamers who fantasize running around the jungle riding tigers and washing elephants while monkeys sing songs in the background. AINT GONNA HAPPEN HIPPY... That leaves us to the animal welfare cause. This sounds more of a realistic view of things. The prevention of cruelty of animals is something that should be encouraged in my opinion (you may not have to agree with it). Often these people are the voice of reason in a crowd of vegetarian, peace loving, free loving, drug taking, long hair loving hippies. Peace out to fantasy and bring on cold hard reality. Let me make it clear to any hippy scum out there... THERE'S A FOOD CHAIN...and if "The Simpsons" hasn't taught me anything, we are right on top of it. We will pretty much eat any animal thats out there. It is part of our dietry needs that we eat animal meat. It's simple, we need the protein heavy, nutritional-rich content of meat! You can't get buff with carrots, ladies and gentlemen. So the simple matter of fact is, we HAVE to eat animals. That is where my pet peeve with animal liberationists (extreme ones anyway) lies. Acoording to them, WE CAN'T EAT ANIMALS. Well thankyou genuis, maybe they nee more fish to power their brains 'cause last time i checked im not the one turing pale and vomiting all over the place due to lack of protein. Killing animals is a fact of life, we need to kill, kill, kill, kill.....KILL. It is for our own survival, we HAVE to do it. Not only for food, but god bless lab rats...for without lab rats many diease would have run rampant. If it werent for lab rats SARS would be a pandemic, cloning would be science fiction...and many other medical wonders. But if we let the hippies take control, lab rats would no longer be able to contribute to the study of HIV or Cancer treatment. Yeah, these people would love to see fellow human beings die just for the sake of 'restoring the balance'. Well not if i can help it! If I was Prime Minister, I would chain these suckers up and send them to Iraq in the "cannon fodder" unit to join the wog squad stationed there already. Animal welfare lobbyists make more sense, they realise we have to eat animals and kill them for research. They merely ask for humane methods of extermination. Or if we are to keep them, keep them in 'decent' conditions. Not Rose Porteus 'decent' but comfortable decent. Fair enough...if you have a pet cat, you, as the owner has the responsibility to take care of it. But animal liberationists will never be happy. According to them, dogs aren't 'property' and that we must let them loose to run wild and stuff it if they eat humans on the way. Well Hippies should be shot. Their way of life should be considered treason to human kind. Its a dog-eat-dog (no pun intended) world out there. We, as a species, should come first, our intrests and our survival depends on it. If the Hippies want to be 'equal' with the monkeys and gorillas then i suggest they live with them out in the jungle and lets see if they can survive it out there for even a week. To highlight some of sheer stupidity of some hippies here are some good links: PETA and Friends(an organisation that thinks milking cows in "cruel", no, im serious) Milking cows are evil article Hippies want to run naked with Donald Rumsfeld Culture and Animals (sheer hippy heaven) 10 Reasons for Animal Rights and Thier Explanation A voice of reason Animal rights vs. Human rights

Cowbell

"I got a fever, and the only prescription.. is more cowbell" - Bruce Dickinson It’s September 17th 1976. A sportly spring Sunday signalled a simply sublime sound session at the shifty yet sonically surreal Sunshine Studios in downtown LA. Rock outfit Blue Oyster Cult were laying down tracks on a new tune entitled Don’t Fear the Reaper with legendary producer Bruce Dickinson there pushing them beyond their childhood dreams of rock stardom and into a world in which any of the band members could get a lay with a simple strike of the cowbell. Yes, the cowbell. It wasn’t easy getting that cowbell track down, the band had an ironclad vision of their musical direction when cowbell master Gene Frenkle challenged it on this Sunday of all Sundays. All the band wanted was a smooth recording session featuring their traditional line up of guitar, bass, and percussion to make the most of their time with legendary Bruce Dickinson (“yes, THE Bruce Dickinson”), but Gene Frenkles presence in the studio with his steel-cast Hendrix-custom Cowbell 3000 would change the way they looked at rock and roll forever. Left to right: Gene Frenkle and Blue Oyster Cult 1976, Vintage 1934 brass cowbell, & the late Gene Frenkle (aka Will Ferrell) Audio extract from original Dont Fear the Reaper takes: Cowbell The integration of the cowbell into contemporary rock was a painstakingly slow process involving a solid base of passionate cowbell gurus. They threw them all over the place in order to increase consumer awareness of the vast range of cowbell models available, no demographic was spared in this drive. All nations would see some form of cowbell hit the market. In the mountains of Tibet cowbells found their way into Buddhist temples in which many seeking enlightenment through meditation were disturbed by its shrill and unique sound. For this reason it was banned in many parts of the world. The United States of America, founded by ideals of Freedom which are now enforced by ignorant rednecks sporting double barrelled shotguns, almost saw the end of the cowbell. It was all thanks to the hippy era and the abundance of free love that the cowbell made it through; hippies would purchase and trade many different kinds of cowbells as informal, cheap substitutes for wedding rings. For example, Hippy Woman A would hang a black steel-cast Farehn Cowbell 200B around her neck to signify her current sexual ties to Hippy Primate B, who would wear the same. Since everyone slept around like rabbits, up to 5 cowbells a day were purchased by many hippies. This phase in history alone kept the cowbell alive. In the 21st century the cowbell is as powerful as ever, more songs than I was ever aware of feature a cowbell striking away periodically from start to finish. It’s unbelievable. Most noticeable recently is the Queens of the Stone Age’s latest single release “Little Sister”, in which the cowbell can be heard as a solo instrument for a remarkable 4 beats at the beginning of the song and several consecutive beats in several other parts. Other well known songs featuring the cowbell include “Play that Funky Music” by Wild Cherry, “Dr Feelgood” by Motley Crue, “Talk To Me, Dance With Me” by Hot Hot Heat and the classic Run DMC track “King of Rock”. Cowbell lives. Lest we forget,

Praise Scum!

Is it me or creating new Churches is becoming a fad? When I watch late night TV I was able to watch music video clips, telemarketing or instructional excercise. But NOOOOOOO... today we see Jesse Duplantis, Kenneth Copeland and Benny Hinn all preaching their Televangelistic view upon the world. Thats right, we can learn the ways of God through the magic of television. Somehow, people like these believe they are annointed by God to lead the flock and to prepare them for the return of Christ! Yep! They can teach us the way to salvation, just like they have been through, for all for the cheap price of $300! Whats that? $300 too much? We are talking about your soul here! Here's a quote from Jesse Duplantis' website "Do you know Jesus? We're not asking if you know about Jesus, we want to know if you know Him! There's a difference! Years ago, Jesse Duplantis came to the knowledge of Jesus after watching a minister on television share God's love - and it completely changed his life. He'd grown up all his life hearing about God, but after that experience in 1974 he could say, "I know Him. He has come into my life and changed my heart." The experience showed him that anybody, no matter how bad, could be changed by the power of God." Hmmmm, so this guy was educated by the radioactive box too. Can we trust him? Does he deserve our money? What does he offer that the free services of a good, non-profit REAL chruch can't? The Catholic Church offers counsel through its priests. Offers advice for the people. All for FREE! For those who haven't seen Jesse Duplantis (and i doubt anyone has), his sermons resemble more of a stand-up gig than a educational sermon. He doesnt teach stuff, he makes jokes, whines about his wife and kids and offers useless topical discussion. All for a fee, of course... Is Church meant to be exciting? Is it meant to be fun? Maybe having a fun Church is better than those that take themselves very seriously....you have all heard of those cults that make everyone kill themselves. Those are real seriously bad Churches. So, having a Church that has fun isn't that bad. Maybe a Jerry Seinfeld Ministry is around the corner. Now as some readers may know...i HATE scum. Scum is the scum of the Earth. Which, coincedentally is a Church Yes, the Church of SCUM OF THE EARTH http://www.scumoftheearth.net/ Now thats my kind of Church. Here's their mission statement: "Scum of the Earth Church (1 Corinthians 4:11-13) We strive to be a church who: seeks intimacy with God and honest relationships with others cultivates creativity and uses everyone's gifts asks questions while seeking Truth recognizes our need for a Savior passionately yet respectfully shares the saving love of Christ demonstrates God's love in our community" Yeah, aren't those people SCUM??? Here's the news at scum, called "The Scoop at Scum" With sermons such as: Do Not Worry (Stuff Jesus Said) Speaking in Tongues and Other Nonsense (and sense) The Problem With Suffering Part 1 (EJ) Look out for the Couch Casbah Church near you...with exciting sermons such as: Black isn't a colour (it's a shade) We are humans I want all your money, and you are going to like it The Sermons of Scum of the Earth are so educational! They are in MP3 format (it's on their website). Needless to say, when you have sermons about speaking in tounge and the problem of suffering (and to think, i loved suffering) this Church is going to lead you onto the path of salvation while they tithe away 99% of your income away! These types of new-age Churches make me sick...and they are scum. Oh wait, there is a Church of scum...

Blasted Sunday Walkers!

Greetings all! This is the Real Tom here (not that imposter Tom/Achilles fellow), in my historic first post for The Couch Casbah. It is about something that perpetually peeves me. The Perils of the Shopping Centre (or How All Those People Got Splatted) Have you ever been at a shopping centre, or even in the city, and been in a hurry? I know I have! This is a situation that we all find ourselves in. It is also a situation conducive to stress, and the occasional stress-induced rampage. It never ceases to amaze me how 1 or 2 persons can manage to successfully block an entire walkway. And I am not necessarily talking about persons of extraordinary diameter and girth (you may be thinking: 2 people in a 4m wide walkway = 2m wide people, but that is just not the case!). But, I hear you say: "I dinna ken how this can be!! What are ye smokn ye gibbersnickered frilly knickerbutt!!" Using their finely tuned skills in the area of Annoyance, this small number of persons manages to successfully prevent my perambulations! "Avast!" I long to shout, "Be gone, or ye shall walk that thar plank, and feed the fishes!", but I fear that this will only impede them further. They would be paralysed with fear by my lunatical and maniacal gibberish. And now for an anecdote: One time, at Westfield Marion Shoppingtown, I was walking through the foodcourt, and the traffic heavy, although it was flowing. And as I was passing by Donut King, the traffic narrowed to 2 lanes, one moving in each direction. And then: a lady a few people in front of me, who was travelling with wheeled luggage for some reason, decided to park her baggage, and look at the donuts on offer at this purveyor of donuts named Donut King. There was no way around!!! There was no escape in the direction I had come!! Traffic was banking up behind me!! I’m sure that if I had purchased some delectable donutty treats that I had yet to eat, this lady would have had a donut shaped bruise from me throwing a donut with intent to bruise. (I was in a slight hurry) [/anecdote] It is these people who ruin it for the rest of the slower-paced walkers. I will acknowledge that not everyone is in a hurry, or is able to walk at pace, but it is those who do this so discourteously that bust my boiler. GRARGGHUARGHUAAAAAA!!! (dons flame proof jacket) I guess I could’ve summarise this entire post in a couple of sentences, but then, where’s the fun in that? Antikudos to the pathblockers! (And sorry that there aren’t any links to relevant information =p)

My first fully fledged rant

Well here it is, having festered in my mind over a great weekend, grown from a tiny insignificant grain of subconscious thought to something so menacing not even this computer screen is likely to display this without a whimper of fear, approaching the Couch Casbah with the momentum of a runaway steam train......MY FIRST RANT. Hi mum, it's me! I'm on the internet! And just what is this rant, I hear you incredulously ask from the relative comfort and safety behind your computer monitor, which probably is not sparking and arcing as the superconductors struggle to contain these words on the screen like that of yours truly. It is in actual fact about a subject rather close to my heart.....and that is music. Well no, it's not about the music....it is really about the things that play the music and the people that listen to said music through the things playing it. The core of the matter is really the ipod phenomenom, the boxy white thing mass produced by Apple and sold to "music lovers" by the truckload. Now don't get my wrong, I think the ipod is an absolutely fantastic piece of technology, made by Apple, the computer company that could, underdog to the ominiscient, faceless, soulless Microsoft and as an Australian, it is my duty to support the minnow against the pike. I'm thinking of getting one in actual fact. My problem is not with the ipod itself, but the nefarious users of the wonderful devices. The ipod is a fashion item, not just with its 1960's 2001: A Space Odyssey inspired all white decor but also because it holds personalised playlists of music. Of course, since fashion is a non linear abstract concept, it exists in all its infinite form. If something is personalised, by definition it resonates with a fashion of some kind and becomes fashionable of some kind. If it is fashionable of some kind, the weaker willed sheep of any community dependent on fashions as the backbone to build their pathetic little lives around will take it up like capitalists to a free market economy. And because markets are free and capitalists exist in their multitudes the producers of that fashion are financially rewarded for producing a fashionable good society craves, and hence are encouraged to produce more. It's a vicious circle characteristic of the free market and people's stupidity. There have been a few times in our little planets history when it was overall fashionable to not be fashionable; underground trends thumbing their noses at ruling heavyweights. A classic bygone example of this occurred around 100 million years ago. Dinosaurs ruled the Earth, seemingly indefatigable and all betting by impartial alien observers would have been on them to have been ruling the Earth in 100 million years time in some form. The majority of land animals at that stage in Earth's history were dinosaurs and more were continually evolving. Insignificant, puny rodents eked out a living below the earth out of harm's way. Like the 80's, power was everything in this tyrannical world. 65 million years ago, God, fate, karma, or a sadistic heavenly body of some kind with an attitude problem decided to play marbles with our little planet, and bang; these tiny little rats inherit the Earth and eventually evolve into us. The little guys triumph! Flash forward to now: the same situation is here. This unholy battle for underground supremecy is fought between today's powerless rodents; the music junkies and the heavyweight dinosaurs; corporations. And the little ipod is in the crossfire and loving it. But how did those little rodents survive underground? They banded together. In today's individualistic world what hope have these two-bit players got? Individualism, expressed through ipod playlists is so rampart that if someone recognises a song on your ipod: you're mainstream. Check out this man, I'm listening to The Clap and The Smoking Tractors and The Insert Vague Possibly Metaphorical Common Noun Here. The Clap? I thought you spread that around along with the free loving. All this can be personified by an individual who shall remain nameless. Let's call her C Hadrill. No that's too obvious.....she's Caitlin H. A self proclaimed music snob, her precious bands, once subject to her unadultered admiration have been mortally tainted by radio airplay. She's devastated, like any self proclaimed music snob would be. But why is she? Is she jealous, because people will recognise the band listed on her ipod? That's one less band on that thing that's uniquely hers. But its one more band that the common people know about, and in the majority of cases one more band playing music for music's sake on commercial radio stations. Does she fear that commercial airplay will pull them to the brink of commercialism and product endorsements? If they're proper musicians, why would they abandon their roots? Unreasonable selfishness by defining yourself through others' music is the only logical answer. The music itself stays the same. If your appreciation of the music diminishes because others are appreciating it too then surely you're not a true music lover, just a wannabe muso trying to broadcast your supposedly unique character through your socially underplayed music lurking in the depths of your ipod. Caitlin Hadrill is a wonderful friend, but like so many of the typical ipoddians, she does not play a musical instrument herself. If you can own music, then surely that music can only be your own. Wow, unintentional pun through the confusing double meanings of English. I love this crazy language! Whether it's your own by composing it, or perhaps to a lesser extent by playing it, you are either recording or creating the music itself, not the social rights to listen to it! If people like Mike want to hear the Maple Leaf Rag, I can play it. if they want to hear it fast, I play it fast. If they want it with a reggae beat I can even do that. If you want a more accurate version of Joplin's number, ask Jacob instead. If one wants to bring back memories of Nepabunna simply ask Juan to play the I Love Poppy Song on his guitar. Want to hear Smoke On The Water in a guitar falsetto? Justin with a mute or some sort of pedal and his strumbox could probably arrange it for you. This is individualism. Nobody plays the piano the same way as meor Jacob, or the guitar the same way as Justin or Juan. Want to hear I'm So Itchy Down There by The Clap? Ask Caitlin for her ipod.........oh, there it is on the radio. So, in closing, if you ipoddians think you can own commercial music.....it owns you! That's it for me, partially because the steam train's run out of steam and partially because my keyboard has melted. Juan, thanks for stocking the casbah with couches......this runaway locomotive really needed the soft impact. Justin's story in true Justin style is weird but brilliant. Kind of like last night on the Titanic stiff upper lip British aristocratic inevitability. "Are we sinking Watson?" "Yes my lady, I do think we are. Where's the brandy?". Legal Disclaimer: Caitlin Hadrill was used for demonstration purposes only. No Caitlin Hadrills were harmed in the writing of this rant. Should any Caitlin Hadrills be upset, Angus Main reserves the right to have any verbal comeuppance on himself published on the Couch Casbah. I really should get back to work......

A classy tale of two doomed souls

The match ignites in the darkness like a supernova in the depths of space, and just as quickly fades to a small flame. A puff of smoke ends its life and all that remains is the glow of the cigarette it was meant for. “Was that the last match Bilson?” “Yea.” “You douchebag, we could be stuck in here for days and you use our last source of light on your bad habit. I couldn’t hate you anymore right now. FUcktard.” Bilson exhales on Will’s face and Will coughs up blood. He hocks it up and spits it in Bilson’s general direction. “Gross, what is that, blood?” “Might be” “Cool.” (1 hour later) They stumble around in the darkness like blindfolded lab rats in a maze. “Bil, theres gotta be an axe or a chainsaw in this room somewhere.” “We’re in a freezer room, surrounded by cans of frozen peas… give me a second to find this chainsaw.” “How do you know they are peas if you can’t see shit.” “Shut the fuck up.” “k.” (3 hours later) “Hey Bilson” “Hey” “It’s pretty cold in here” “Yea” “It’d be pretty sweet if we were outside, and not locked in a huge freezer.” “Concur.” (10 minutes later) “Bilson” “Yea?” “Check out my ice beard" "Sweet" (5 minutes later) “Hey Bilson man” “I am no man” “What?” “Hungry? I have meat.” “What are you blathering about?” “My penis iced over and I just snapped it off trying to masturbate.” “That really sucks Bilson." (2 minutes later) “It is a tad chilly in here.” “Yea, there sure is a crisp bite to the air; Hey Will? .. I think I’ll die now.” “Yea I was thinking that, see u round?” “k.” The End.

Want a subwoofa malaka?

FALL INTO LINE Thats right, Im talking to you WOGS out there who think its entirely fine and civil to go around the streets in groups taunting everyone around you just for the sake of boosting your self-esteem because you just picked on someone else. Well congratulations you pricks. Last night I went to Glenelg (the first time this year), and now I remember why I hate the place...it is SCUM capital. The capital of scum, scum, scum, scum. Let me put it this way, I would rather dinner with a group of communists than a group of wogs. I was just trying to having a nice time out at Glenelg, but I counted 18, yes 18 taunts towards me and and my group with the meagre space of 3 hours. I've had it up to here... (which is quite high, im very patient) Join the program scum.. Assimilate into the Australian culture Ever since arriving here in Australia I have been taught nothing but to assume Australia as my home first then the Philippines. Afterall I am living here. Yes I am passionate about Filipino affairs, but I am also concerned about Australia just as much, even more...NOT TO WOGS! Wogs will be wogs, thinking that their cultural country of origin is far more important compared to Australia. Wogs travel in packs, never alone and rarely in pairs. Oh yes, you may be going..."HEY, what about aussies and asians? They travel in groups to!" ahhh, but you see, asians (or rice boys to the wogs) and aussies (skips in wog tounge) travel in gangs to commit crimes, you see. They have a purpose! Yeah, there is the Mafia (insignificant compared to the Freemasons and Yakuza I think). But these groups are far far far, i mean FAR, less common than the amount of wog groups roaming around Rundle St., The Parade and Jetty Road in the decked out "fully sick" WRXs doin cruises to get the chicks. Yep, stereotypical wog... Wogs wear the same typical style of clothing that can only be expected of them. They wear the bling, think that wearing expensive clothes makes them better or (ironically) wearing Fubu makes them "fully sick" They drive ground hugging, noise making, internally combustible penis extensions down roads...go around the block, and do it again. The fun from driving around a block while yelling profanitys and paying out bystanders, I will never understand. If I was a cop I would arrest these groups of animals and force them to join a specially created unit in the Australian military called the "Cannon Fodders" in tradition of Soviet and French military tradition and send them to the front lines in Iraq, Afghanistan and any other war that Australia is forced to start because of the United States. Now im not saying Wogs are below anyone...but there is something disturbing about the popular culture within the comunity. Look at Mile End and Glenelg. Look at St.Georges High. Look at any Junior Soccer Club (just ask Ron). Think 'Pizza' is a takeoff of wog culture? Its not, its simply showing the current state of wog culture. It's a showcase, and wogs are proud of the show?!?!?! "Fully Sick mate, lets play 'spot the Anglo/gook' and pay them out because they are trying to have a good night out mate, im gonna drive around the block 50 times blaring commercial hip hop (playin' 50 cent in my decked out subwoffa you malaka) and try to prove that "im better than you, youse fool" How can wogs afford their penis extensions? Drugs The Bali 9 and Schapelle Corby were setup by wogs, not Indonesians...just ask the AFP Yeah, wogs will think that that im racist. Yeah, they will say that they have been discriminated against ever since their grandfathers arrived in Australia "booya". I got news for you sonny Jim.... When I first got here, walking around Rundle Mall would always result in racist comments, I remember being called "chink/gook/rice boy" so many times its not funny. But do I gang up in groups, pay out everyone and rape little girls? NO! Yeah, Im proud of my heritage...but do I have to stick it into everyones faces? Do I think "2 Fast 2 furious" is a masterpiece because the cars are "Fully Sick"? This is my experience of Australian wogs within the 18-25ish age group. This generation of wogs just seem to be out of it, social misfits who get loans way out of their earning capacity. Part of the reason for Australia's large Current Account Deficit due to the very very large dissaving in the Household Sector (source: ACCI). I believe most of this is due to the large amount of money spent on cars and the $20,000 loans that wogs withdraw to "fully Sick(en)" their ego. But to be fair, there are plenty of good wogs out there. There are hard-working wogs doing it for the Australian people and not for community intrest only. Im just talking about a focused group of the community. Need more info? http://www.ubersite.com/m/33971 http://www.wog.com.au/article_main.asp?ArticleId=217 http://www.wog.com.au/article_main.asp?ArticleId=188 Sick mate, sick

Where the hell am I....and other random stuff

Long time absentee from the discerning art of blogging, the Angus Main you all know and love, and let's face it, chances are you only know one Angus Main, first gazed upon this blog site, Juan's Couch Casbah yesterday. My first comment was: "holy shit juan, that's fucking awesome" regarding both the site, and his yearning to run for dictator for life of the democratic republic of his home country, the Phillipines. Those intolerant or skeptical of the vital and underrated role profanity plays in our lives are recommended to read the above sentence again, and again, and again, and again until the wonderful adjectives, adverbs and even nouns that are swear words are truly respected for their power in the English language. In Polish, only prosze boasts this kind of lingual adaptability. Indonesian has saya rugi banyak. Now for the $64,000 question, where the hell am I: the answer is Brisbane, capital of Queensland, the metropolis of the South East, where on average 1,0000 people a week are immigrating to (or so the Queensland Government leads you to believe). Why $64,000 and not $63,999 or $64,001?: I have no idea.....c'mon, its just an expression. Why people want to move here I can understand: jobs, and lots of them, beautiful weather (for three months of the year) and despite claiming to be The Smart State (on rego plates and any official Government document or advertisment), Brisbane has a hugely disproportionate number of pretty bodies to its overall population, the envy of other states. Immigration of the bold and the beautiful from other less oportunity laced states with previously healthy stocks of beautiful people must be the answer. Yet this raises an interesting question: Can Queensland really be the Smart State as well as the State Full Of Pretty Bodies With Only Slightly Less Pretty Faces To Match Those Pretty Bodies. From my rather limited experience of intertwining the female body with the female mind (and it gets messy), the answer is a resounding no. Correlation between pretty bodies and pretty minds is rather weak. For all you Mercedes folks out there: For every Kate Manos there exists a Tiffany, a Fiona, a Caitlin McCreanor and maybe even an Emma Jervis. As for what I am doing in Brisbane, I am working for my godfather, Stephen Williams of Wingate Properties, the guy with the big nose and the long eulogy at my Dad's funeral and property mogul of South Eastern Queensland. Mogul is such a cool word. Along with magnate and mongol. I'm a kind of an office juniour I guess, so I make coffee, copy documents, print documents, make sure the pantry is well stocked and so on. As well as this I often do real work, like feasibility stuff on spreadsheets which is fun when you announce a 17 million dollar loss for a project just before finding an error in your spreadsheet calculations..........hilarious! In my time here I have also discovered my current greatest machine of all time: the planimeter. This baby measures the area of irregular shaped 2d objects! Dispute the area of Africa with the atlas in confidence with the planimeter! Friend/colleague/dealer always saying your mouth/head is too large? Use the planimeter to sort them out! Want to know the surface area of your fist without getting resorting to a messy inaccurate bruise on an (un)willing mate to measure later? The planimeter is the answer! It uses a sniper-like scope complete with magnets, a compass and rollers to find out any area of ANY PLOT in ANY SCALE on a map by a process that only a maths professor (or to a lesser extent John Brazzatti, or to an even lesser extent Jun Bin) could fully understand. Speaking of Jun Bin, everybody's favourite Asian student is alive and well here in Brisbane. Jun Bin is completing a Degree in Telecommunication at the Queensland University of Technology and lists Warcraft 3 and studying as some of his many interests and hobbies. He's sporting the latest in street fashion, and actually persuaded me to go shopping........Truth be told, I bought three shirts for $30. A smashing success. That's about it....I'm supposed to be working......On a final note, contrary to the Couch Casbah's motto, this is not a rant, although popular opinion may dictate I suggets to complaints about people, things and life in general in the near future.......... Keep sane people! The nuthouse is already full! To those with their own blogs, i think most of you are already gone... Angus Oh and by the way Juan, sorry if I've hijacked the site. Ask me to publish for someone else's blog next time like the bandwith liability that I am.

Naked Mantoo Protest

http://www.dailytelegraph.news.com.au/story.jsp?sectionid=1292&storyid=3132745 A Public High School in Sydney, Auburn High, has come under siege by a spoilt incoherent little brat. An idiot by the name of Yasamin Alttahir has decided that she does not want to play by the rules. Under the claim of discrimination, Yasamin Alttahir has worn the Iraqi traditional dress for women (called the Mantoo) against school unifrom policy. She says that under the influence of her religion, she feels that she needs, HAS, to wear the Mantoo. The whole purpose of the Mantoo is to hide the woman's figure in order to prevent men perving on them. Don't you just want to slap her silly? Under her extremist thinking, I suppose I can. So she is trying to avoid attention from guys....then why is she wearing makeup? Im not an expert on Islamic tradition, but already from my humble research, I already see that Yasamin Alttahir is nothing but an idiot and troublemaker. What she claims to be traditional dress and custom is of her own making. Tailored to her own shape and coloured green to match the school uniform colour. What's also strange is that Auburn is full of Muslim girls and they aren't complaining, just take a look at this photo taken from their newsletter. Sheik Haydar Naji, who was contacted by Auburn Girls High yesterday, said it was not strictly necessary for a woman to wear a mantoo. However, Yasamin said the opinion was "irrelevant because I've chosen to wear this, it's motivated by my religion, and my decision is what matters" Her decision to break school rules is ridiculous. She attends a secular high school. Freedom of expression of beliefs should be allowed, but some rules must be obeyed and everyone must be considered equal. What if my religion advocated nudity? By Yasamin's logic, I can turn up to school naked! It isn't necessary, but my religion agrees to the principle and I want to express it! I want to express 'it' (if you get what im saying). The NSW Department of Education has let us down, they have allowed Yasamin to wear her Mantoo. Therefore, I shall turn up to uni naked in protest until I see the decision reversed. Yasamin must understand that certain rules must be followed by everbody no matter what religion you follow. I must wear clothes, she must wear school uniform, she can represent her religion in a godly fashion AFTER school hours. Is Yasamin a saint or an idiot? She thinks shes soooo good by wearing her Mantoo in full....but when was the last time you have seen a nun in FULL Habit? Let me draw your attention to Sheik Faiz, who told a crowd of 1000 people in a Bankstown Town Hall in March.... "A victim of rape every minute somewhere in the world. Why? No one to blame but herself. She displayed her beauty to the entire world . . . strapless, backless, sleeveless, nothing but satanic skirts, slit skirts, translucent blouses, miniskirts, tight jeans: all this to tease man and appeal to his carnal nature." HMMMMM...so a man who rapes a woman is the victim.... Heres a picture of the Sheik "I want to rape you all and it's your fault" Faiz... Just look at him, I bet you he wants to strip naked right now.... Is this mindset part of the reason for Yasamin's supposed stand against showing the female form? Is she really fearful of men looking at her for sex? Is she really that up herself that every man on the planet wants to give her a bit of slap n' tickle? Who wants to join my naked religion? Behold the future that Yasamin wants! But let us not forget that Yasamin wants to revert back to the good ol' days where women got stoned to death whilst men walk all over them. Funny how the extremist Muslim men are able to assimilate into Australian culture yet they believe that Muslim women should cover up, bunker down and if they get raped it's their own fault. Adelaide Uni. is going to get a BIG surprise tomorrow, if you catch my drift. ;)

Japanese TV

I want to go to Japan to go sight-seeing and takein the culture. The country looks very intresting, I've always like the whole culture (apart from the politics, i will always love Filipino politics). One aspect of Japanese culture is the bloody weird concepts and ideas they seem to come up with! My Grandma resides in Japan, everytime I see her when she visits Australia she tells me stories of some weird ass TV shows. I mean weird ass, literally (I'll explain this later). My curiosity got pushed to the point that I started looking for strange Japanese shows on the internet. Lo and Behold I found more than a fair share of websites dedicated to weird japanese TV shows. Not only TV shows, but websites with strange....well, look for yourself... This website is the pinnacle of Japanese culture, I was wrong when I said Canadians are obsessed with asses. I suggest you visit, i can't mention everything in it, and it's just too good. Let me give some examples of these videos... FART WOMAN 9 Her style is very good! She has usually constipation so she have farts since long thne ago. Always, efforts patience farting in public,but this time farting is feel so good. she said......! MY FARTING ROOM3 Girls farts each other in a room with eating sweetpotato.The girls farts to invation man for its gulty..every farts are very loud and smelly,but invader seems very glad........NOW ON SALE $120.00 GIRLS BE FARTING3 New Video "GIRLS BE FARTING 3" releaced!! There are scine of farting with T-back panty..Sailor wear Farts are so good.You can feel good smell from screen.....NOW ON SALE $150.00 Sweet Jesus, that guy looks like he's having a good time up her ass. Just for the record, last time i went to this site, 794915 people have visited the site....DAMN Now I remember hearing about this program from my Grandma, and i finally found a website that has a detailed synopsis and scenes....This is another moment of Japanese culture at its best This website speaks for itself....but for those who hate reading (which brings up the question why you are reading this) heres the basic premise... Network producers decide to start a new show, the plan is to see how well a man can survive on his own by surviving things he wins in compeitions. So they set out to find an average-joe in Japan, they come to find Nasubi, a Japanese comedian. The auditioners tell him hes passed to star in some show. Nasubi later finds himself blindfolded naked in a room with only bare (and i mean bare essentials). The producers tell him that he need to win 100 000 yen in prizes. He enters constests by sending postcards given to him. It took Nasubi 1 year and 3 months to complete his task. The producers then offered him a trip to Korea, only for Nasubi to find himself locked in a room again! This time he was forced to earn his airfare home in a a completely foreign languae (remember Nasubi is Japanese). Anyway, by some strange miracle Nasubi survives. He is sent home, invited by the producers to the TV Studio, shown a room....guess what Nasubi does....yes, he was so traumatised he strips naked. But alas the ceiling and walls are removed to reveal a TV audience! More details in that website, but that show sounds.....not weird, INHUMANE Doesnt stop there... theres also... So you wanna' be a professional wrestler, three or four skinny little 90 pound weaklings fighting hulking, foreign, professional wrestlers, the loser getting thrown either onto an electrified plate or a mat covered in a very sticky glue. Super Jockey, hosted by the infamous Beat Takeshi, in which people with products to promote (usually beautiful women) play a game where they have to change into a skimpy bikini before a curtain drops which will reveal them if they haven't finished changing, and then have to sit in scalding hot water. For every second they manage to stay in the water, they are allowed to promote their product for one second! I find that to be the darker side of Japanese culture...the farting and the inhumanity One last thing I wanted to highlight is Engrish. Engrish is Japanese tryig to speak English forming a sort of new language. If you've seen the farting website then you know what i mean. This website shows the beauty of Engrish...speaks for itself, quite humorous. Want to go to Japan now? EH!? Sounds like a bloody good place to live, just make sure to stay away from any television cameras. Or if you're a female, don't be surprised if someone asks you if he can videotape you farting.

Syd Barrett

This guy... this freakin guy. He's cool, right. Barrett was the founder and frontman of Pink Floyd, he wrote their first two hit songs, he got people talking. He then tripped out on too much acid and descended into sweet schizophrenic madness. Syd would stand on stage and stare at the crowd instead of singing, even walking off after the first song. I read that he locked his girlfriend in a room for three days and fed her cookies under the door, when he finally let her out he hit her over the head with his guitar (nice telecaster, what a waste). After a year of this the band bypased his house on their way to band practice, refusing to deal with his psycotic LSD laced ass anymore. This was the end of Syd's involvement with Pink Floyd. He was a musical genius, the king of 60s psychedelic rock. Pink Floyd would take on singer/guitarist David Gilmour and go on to be huge, but only thanks to Syd. Their two most popular/radio-friendly tunes, Wish You Were Here, and Shine On You Crazy Diamond are entirely about Syd. Their lyrics give you the eerie feeling that he must have died at some point. It disapoints me to think that the band sat around and cried about it instead of helping the guy. Remember when you were young, You shone like the sun. Shine on you crazy diamond. Now there's a look in your eyes, Like black holes in the sky. You'd think he was dead, when in actual fact he's just been gardening in his Cambridge home for the last 30 years. After discovering this I was inspired and wrote a more up-to-date version: Remember digging that hole, it looked like your ass. Plough on you schizophrenic gardener. The pansies sprouted too soon, Like ol' Billy back in Nam Plough on you schizophrenic gardener. *salutes*

Actors, Scum, Dicks and Politics

A topic close to my heart...The beauty and craziness of Filipino Politics. Some of you may or may not know that one day (if I had the chance) would like to run for a Senatorial seat in the Philippines. Who better to symbolise Filipino politics as a whole than Ferdinand Marcos... I don't mind Ferdinand Marcos. He was a guy who tried to do the right thing, or at least thought he did. But in the end turned out into being a dickhead. For those of you not familiar with Marcos (and is actually intrested) I found this website to have the best description Unfortuantely I wasnt around when the Philippines was at its prime and because of this dick I probably will be 50 until I see an economically powerful Philippines again. Politics in the Philippines is very intresting, in the previous 4 Republics (and 1 Commonwealth) does a President rarely live out his/her term. So far the 5th Republic is the most...secure, but already one president has been kicked out. Philippine Republic (1899–1901) Emilio Aguinaldo : 1899–1901 The first president. Commonwealth of the Philippines (1935–1946) Manuel Luis Quezon : 1935–1944 (died from Tuberculosis) Sergio Osmeña : 1944–1946 (assumed the presidency on Quezon's death) Manuel Roxas : 1946 Second Republic (1943–1945) Jose P. Laurel : 1943–1945 Third Republic (1946–1973) Manuel Roxas : 1946–1948 (died from a heart attack) Elpidio Quirino : 1948–1949 (assumed the presidency on Roxas' death), 1949–1953 Ramon Magsaysay : 1953–1957 (died in a plane crash) Carlos P. Garcia : 1957 (assumed the presidency on Magsaysay's death), 1957–1961 Diosdado Macapagal : 1961–1965 Ferdinand E. Marcos : 1965–1969, 1969–1972 (proclaimed martial law, September 22-23,1972) Fourth Republic (1981–1986) Ferdinand E. Marcos : 1981–1986, 1986 (In 1973, a new constitution deemed to supersede 1935 Constitution; presidential rule continued however until a new term and "new republic" inaugurated in 1981; deposed) Fifth Republic (1987–Present) Corazon C. Aquino : 1986–1992 Fidel V. Ramos : 1992–1998 Joseph Ejercito Estrada : 1998–2001 (deposed by Supreme Court) 1998–2004 (supposed tenure) Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo : 2001–2004 (assumed the presidency on Supreme Court approval ), 2004–present (elected tenure) Yep, a GLORIOUS 5th Republic. Marcos wasn't all bad, he did help economic reform during his early years as president, and help quell the uprising of the Communist movement. If it wasn't for Marcos, Communist scum would be walking all over the streets. So in a way, Marcos is a legend for kiling scum and having some good economic policies. Then he and his cronies stole billions... What's even more laughable is that the Marcos family is still a politically powerful family in the Philippines, yes, relatives are in the Senate. Crazy isn't it? Think of Marcos as a fantasy-politician. Had the right idea, can't really be done though. Kinda like the Filipino George W. Bush, but more corrupt and 500 times smarter (Marcos cleverly re-written the constitution to extend his term). He made his own Republic! Bet Bush can't think, let alone do, something like that. Think that's crazy? There's more! Joseph Estrada (3rd President of the 5th Repbulic) was a former actor, elected into power only due to his popularity, think Calirfornian governor on a national level. Believe it or not, an actor with no real political experience got elected, and suprise surprise got kicked out under charges of corruption. Look at the transformation from President, to courrupt actor... Later he gets replaced by his Vice-President, Gloria Arroyo, US educated with a Masters in Economics and served in Cabinet for many years. After serving the remainder of Estrada's term, ther main opposition came from....surprise surprise another actor, Fernando Poe Jr. (FPJ). YES FPJ was a friend of Estrada.....see the connection? (Below left to right: Evil FPJ, Filipina American Idol contestant: Jasmine Trias (left) with President Gloria Arroyo (right)) Vs. Luckily Arroyo won that election, but inside her own government shes got alot of enemies, the Congress hates her and I wouldnt be surprised if a General orders to assasinate her. YEP! I love Filipino politics, and if I had the chance I would run for Senator and see if I can take a potshot at the Presidency, Im crazy enough to do it, and crazy is what you need to win. So what lessons can be learned from Filipino politics? Actors can be politicans...and politicans are actors. In the Philippines, if you are the most qualified, you most likely won't get the job. The system is setup that even a slack-jawed yokel like myself can run for office. By the way, Marcos was born on Sept. 11 OOOOOOOOOO So next time vote for JP to be the 6th President of the 8th Republic

"Ovaltine, ever had this stuff?"

"Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it round tine. You know what I'm talking about.” This golden moment in Seinfeld began a decade of round tine fanaticism that claimed the lives of many and psychologically scarred millions of impressionable young children, who would question their parents; “where’s the round-tine mother, this ovaltine crap is absolutely shithouse”, to which they would reply “Billy, you dumbass, you were lied to, there is no round-tine, whoever told you there was is a stranger, you don’t talk to strangers you hear me? Godammit.” Many tears would flow, boosting Kleenex sales around the globe. Until now Round-tine has been but a dream, a perceivably unfeasible feat of scientific ingenuity and unimaginable perseverance. You would be a fool to even contemplate it ever existing in this commercially unmerciful world. That is, until now: I was cruising in my Porsche convertible the other day, checking out the Salisbury scene, puffing on a fag, it was 3.14pm on 3rd May 1934 when this ad came on the radio advertising a schmick new product. It was none other than Round-tine Jelly. Listen closely: Round-tine I know we all expected it to be a cocoa, but at least now Bania will have something other than milk jokes in his repertoire. Thats gold Jerry, GOLD! The swift arrival of round-tine to the global marketplace will see the dawning of a new era, a time where tissues are no longer produced as tears are no longer shed. Happy times will be had for all with Round-tine jelly. Happy Day’s reruns will be edited to incorporate round-tine advertisements, as happy days and round-tine jelly go hand-in-hand; they are one and the same. Check your Oxford dictionary (Concise is crap): hap·py ( P ) Pronunciation Key (h p )adj. hap·pi·er, hap·pi·est Characterized by good luck; fortunate. Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy. Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase. Cheerful; willing: happy to help. Characterized by a spontaneous or obsessive inclination to use something. Often used in combination: trigger-happy. Enthusiastic about or involved with to a disproportionate degree. Often used in combination: money-happy; clothes-happy; roundtine-happy Roundtine Jelly.

Canadians show pancakes...

http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/0513mooning13-ON.html MONTREAL - The moon came out early in Montreal on Friday. Actually, make that a lot of moons. In a protest against the waste of public funds, about 100 people dropped their pants and lifted their skirts to show their backside outside the building where Justice John Gomery continued to hear witnesses at the sponsorship inquiry. Security guards refused to let them inside. A Montreal radio station organized the "Moonfest" protest, which began with a fully clothed march downtown involving about 200 people. Yep! Nothing says "Hey this is going to waste" than showing ass! When something is going to waste, show ass. Isn't that the solution to the worlds problems? Showing ass? Did WWI and WWII finish off with a proud display of ass? From the concept in "Team America: World Police" Politicians are dickheads...activists are assholes. Let me try to grasp the logic behind Moonfest. Protester 1: Hey! The government is mismanaging public treasury! Protester 2: My GOD! You're right! The government is wasting money! Protester 1: What should we do? Protester 2: The government needs to know that we know they are wasting our money! Protester 1: Yes! I know, lets present them with a petition...im very very angry! Protester 3: Look! It's a full moon tonight! Protester 2: THATS IT! We will MOON them *evil grin* Protester 1: Of course! That's what Terrace and Philip would do! Protester 2: Lets show the government that we are serious...and we will shit all over them Thus 100 people show ass. In a fully clothed march of 200. HUH!?!? Only a radio station will come up with the idea that an ass is a form of protest. If I dont like something I normally try talking it out, not going straight to presenting my behind. Am I missing out on something? Has civilisation gone backwards? Literally? Do we really talk out of our asses now? So next time you see a Canadian...especially one from Montreal, make sure not to start any shit with them. Because most likely they WILL shit on you, then you'll be walking home all covered in crap. Maybe it was a Canadian that invented the saying "shit in the fan", from the urban legend that a man in Montreal had his fan break down, and in protest decided to show his ass and shit on it. I think I will take a pass on the mass assembly of crass ass on the grass.