The hills are alive with the sound of balls

Once upon a time there was a little girl called Jasmine. She was a sweet child, Jasmine lived in a quaint little town in the Swedish alps. Oh how cold had been its last winter, but hurray for it was now summer! And what a beautiful summer it was! The bluest most clear skies in all the world, the grass the freshest most crispest green you ever saw, and flowers that scented the air just so finely. Twas such a lovely day this time during summer that Jasmine wanted to spend it in the oh so pretty countryside. "To sit on a rolling hill with the great snowy alps looking over you in the distance, is there anything more beautiful in all the world?" She said. "Yes dear" said her papa, who was standing by her side as she packed her picnic basket. "there is something more beautiful…" "what could possibly be more beautiful, oh what is it pa, tell me please!" "Do you really want to know?" He said, playing with his big grey beard. "More than anything in the world" After thinking for a moment, his primal urges got the better of him and he dropped his pants. " MA BALLS" he exclaimed. Jasmine’s jaw dropped and her eyes just about jumped out of her little head! "Wow!" was all that she could say. Her papa put his hands on his hips and nodded for some time in silence. "yeeep" he said finally, closing his eyes gently with a funny little smile on his face. Just then the door opened and in came mama! She had baskets full of eggs and vegetables in either hand and when she saw papa with his pants down standing over Jasmine she could not believe it! She dropped the baskets right there and the eggs smashed everywhere, and apples and potatoes rolled around all over the floor. Oh gosh what a mess! But forget the dairy products and other goods, Mama was pissed! "KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS, BORIS WHAT IN THE NAME OF WILLIAM T WALLACE IS GOING ON HERE YOU SICK FUCK." She said quietly. "Dear, lower your voice. It’s not how it looks." He said while pulling up his pantaloons. And then Jasmine started crying! Would this be the end of this beautiful day for our simple townsfolk? Did the blue skies darken at the unbuckling of the pant? Maybe for a moment, but there is a happy ending to this darling tale. Mama ran out of the house and summoned the town guard who came and bashed Papa within an inch of his life. They shackled his arms and legs in heavy chains and took him to the infamous prison camp Tampfden where he remained for the rest of his days. The Tampfden guards ensured that he remained bloodied and broken every day of the week for years and years! Jasmine did go for her picnic in the lush green countryside that day, she saw rabbits and walruses and meer cats and all types of forest animals that you wouldn’t usually see in the Swedish Alps. Some might say these creatures she saw were hallucinations and that this experience was the beginning of a downward spiral for Jasmine, but all that really matters is that she was happy at the time. Later Mama hooked up with Gary the village idiot and Jasmine grew up to cultivate poppy plants and harvest opium from them which she exported far and wide until she died of a heroin overdose. So to a degree, they lived happily ever after. The end.

World Domination: Phase One

There aren’t many things I’m afraid of, one of them however, are Clowns…They freak the hell out of me. Most people would think that the reason why I fear such horrible beings is because of the make-up. The white background foundation to a creepy looking red glow, but no, this is not the reason why I fear clowns. I fear…no… HATE clowns because they want to rule the world. Is it not obvious??? They are propaganda Machines, wanting to win the hearts and minds of young children infiltrating our society and building momentum. I CAN SEE THROUGH THAT! It’s a little cult, see, they want to make you THINK that you are being entertained, but the clowns are watching! They are always watching….waiting until the moment is right. They have all the necessary skills to take over the world, they can: · Multitask · Juggle · Make animal shapes out of balloons · Somersault · Laugh in a manical manner To be a clown you must be dedicated to a tradition that has lasted for hundreds of years. They are the modern day Samurai. They have agility, strength and are in large numbers strategically placed in capital cities all over the world. Do not be fooled! Clowns are more than figures in white makeup, they have evolved into more sophisticated satirical beings as well! There are now many types of clowns, each and every type specialized in a field to help take over the world. Clearly, this is a threat to my ambition of world domination. Clowns must be tamed to becoming my allies or be crushed as sworn enemies of my democratically elected dictatorship. I WANT TO SUPPRESS THIS THREAT. "Why? Is it because I'm black?" However, how can I compete with such an organized organization that orgazmically organizes organically? The solution is clear, I must establish my own world order post-haste. I need a dedicated set of troops that are easy to train and are incredibly loyal, intelligent and are able to make decisive decisions decisively. I struggled to think of the best method… *Thinking Music (Whip It! By Devo)* Alas! I have the answer! Monkeys! No, not that farcical band... I'm talking about the honorable Primate... Monkeys have the ability to act as GI’s for my new world order. They are smart, this website is just a display what monkeys are known for. They can write, use computers, take photos, there even used to be monkeys in NASA. This is making sense now...isnt it??? I have my reconnaissance, Air Force, Army and Navy in one little neat package. Everybody loves monkeys; you can’t hate a monkey…who in their right mind would want to harm a monkey? That will be the clown’s downfall, clowns aren’t endangered. Make way for my army of Monkeys, Chimpanzees, Gorillas…APES! Robert Redford Charlton Heston got it right…there will be a Planet of the Apes…and I will be their overruling dictator (democratically elected, of course). In fact I don’t need a whole army of monkeys, I only need one or two super-smart Chimps. Tremble in fear! And then finally I can subdue my evil foes! Hmmmm…on second thought, this plan might not work… Anyway, heed my warning! Be weary of clowns…and love monkeys (I hate the Monkees). Clowns will become a formidable political force in the near future. Don’t say that I didn’t warn you! Keep your eyes peeled friends! A small list of famous clowns Join the Anti-Clown Movement Gallery of Evil Clowns

Prepare to be BLOWN AWAY by the size of this post

So here I am, delighting in my highly flexible lunch break in a sunny but not so hot Queensland, yearning for that day I’ll be running to the beach on the bare tips of my toes because the bitumen is so damn hot. What happened to the Qld I know and semi-love? I want to lay in the sweltering heat and get malignant melanomas on my back. I’ve been up here a lot, and this was the first time that I didn’t get hit in the face by crippling humidity when I stepped off the plane at Gold Coast airport. Anyway enough about me, the Casbah to me is all about random pointless crap that is hopefully entertaining. Sooo on to what really matters folks, random pointless crap from my fucked up (if not mysterious?) mind. Inspiration for this potentially huge post is this: I’ve been sitting around the music shop with my head in my hands, thinking about the huge amount of fucktards that have been buying terrible music. I really don’t know how long I’ll last before I bust a cap in some wiggas ribcage, lets try another week. Now to establish one thing – I strongly dislike rap. Here we go. Justin’s fresh rhymez plus rap-rant MEGA STYLEZ COMBO: ______________________________________________________________ VERSE Yo Feelin for tha ceilin at tha break o dawn Im crawlin da walls – wot a high im on Flexxin for da Hexen azit hits ma veinz Like ma mama goin awol at da bowlin’ lanez When do haterz get their dues, will it b 2 late? I’m checkin wesside to assassinate These foolz hittin up while im hittin em down Powder round tha nose and on tha bitchez gown (Insert chorus sung by bootilicious babes shakin ass. Tune of chorus is ripped off from any one of the many songs from days long gone when black americans still had soul. To demonstrate the irrelevancy and sheer idiocy of common song choice to rip, here are lines from one well-known:) CHORUS We are family, I’ve got all my sisters with me We are family, Get up everybody and SING/DANCE (alternate for originality) VERSE Da haterz drop like flies Im thinkin Caesar’s demise Dat bullet in yo belly iz ma roman knife We takin ova bitch - prepare fo strife (beat steps up so GET RDY FOR MEGA SUPER RAP DELUXE FEATURING BACKUP WORD BOUNCERZ) AIGHT LETZ GET DIS PARTY STARTED Ma pistol flounders in the rain (YO) Pawns got nuthin ta gain (SAY WAT) Your askin for a blastin (SAY WAT) Say say what one more time (SAY WAT) BOOM (outro featuring Eminem with a royal british accent, muttering as he walks into the distance along a cold dewy inner city street in the dead of night) Thanks, I’m here all year so there’s nothing to fear. Don’t jeer, cheer, please, don’t shed a tear, I’m being sincere, here lets peer at this gear in the deer, funny that - how did it get there? I’m keeping this beer. Smear? I made it perfectly clear, watch out for that weir… _______________________________________________ That my friends sums up popular music today. The sad thing is it was meant to be a parody mocking it but its probably closer to the real thing. The lyrics here are possibly even better than most and this is definitely true to what you see in the top charts lately. 50 Cent: "little bita dis, little bit o dat" repeated over and over with a basic metronome style MIDI sounding beat that remains unchanged for the entire song. Nelly: "its getting hot in heah, so take off all yor clothez". I know that one is old news but its just so crap. How the fuck does he sing that line with a serious look on his face - at least make it comedic to some degree. It is comedic, but we’re laughing at him not with him. The success of that song shows us how shallow and stupid the majority of the public is. Some will say its just the little kids buying this crap out on the singles charts, I say its their fat pocketed thick headed parents picking it up for their children. These parents think we’re still in the fucking 60s where freedom for all is the answer to all our woes, but give them a moment to think about it and they’ll realise the implications of their actions. Heres a little story: Little Johnny just listened to the same Nelly song 57 times in a row (as kids do) Little Johnny sees that girl he has a crush on at school and he walks up to her, heart racing and trying to think of something to say. He can’t get that fucking Nelly song out of his head. Johnny: "Hey Jennifer, sooo… it’s getting pretty hot out here, huh?" Jen: Yea. So?" Johnny: So ummm.. so take off all your clothes? Or something…" Jen: "Creep, get away from me!" Jennifer walks off. Johnny: "Hmm that didn’t go as planned… she must be another one of those bitchass crack hoes" So you see the problems Johnny is facing in getting laid as a 12-year-old, and you see the problems our society is facing once these new age kids mature. Picture offices in 2021, all workers will be donning bling, and instead of nametags there will be huge gold coloured plastic-diamond encrusted chains with their names in huge lettering, weighing down their heads and causing chronic back problems. To be honest I don’t know if I really give a shit about the moral implications on our little kids, I jus went off on a tangent that I thought might be interesting, but instead now I look like a prude adult disputing expletive laws in media. I do believe that the kids are largely at fault for the popularity of rap, who else wakes up that early to watch video hits? Mature fans of this crap they call music will say, ‘man dat aint fo the kids, that’s some hardcore shit right der and I’m feelin it, don’t you feel it brutha?’ It isn’t hardcore, I’m not feeling the cap 50 Cent just busted in my ass and your not my godamn brother, I have one brother and he’s cooler than you. Hardcore fans will say ‘cut the whiny babble, your just emo trash’. To that I say FUCK YOU SENIOR, your forefathers invented emo when they first sang the blues. Don’t diss yo kin, aight? Other more mild fans will say ‘it isn’t all bad, you’re just picking out the trash and leaving the treasure out’. Well me hearties this ‘ere treasure ye speak of is a right ol rarity and the lack there of makin it true hard to see yonder fair ye blue mmyARRR THERE SHE BLOWS, STARBOARD SIDE CAPPTIN, MAN THE DECKS YE SCURVY DOGS, YE LANDLUBBERS OF OLDE. yaARR. As you can see I’m getting more and more random so it’s probably about time to wrap this up. I have a lot more to say but this thing is already too long, so here be the end of things. My overall feeling is you can’t spell crap without rap. Thank you to whoever gave me that line, I believe it was Andrew. Thanks Andrew, you’re a good man. I doubt he is reading this, that blog hater. It’s ok I hate them too, but this one is different… right? Probably not. ONE DAY WE’LL HAVE A REAL SITE AND THEN YOU’LL SEE YOU’LL ALL SEE GODAMNIT Peace.

O, Why hath god forsaken me, Tis but dust in thy wind

I recommend this piece be read to the beat of a cowbell. When will ye olde fair be free Of days likened to Beelzebub’s tea Is it but a pittance? Is it but a tear? Twould seem hate is but whim And starlight ever dim So close now is the oppressor grim Why must years be passing rain, Chance like yonder train? Are fables your tightrope, myths your dare? Break chance forthwith, balance without care Now tender thy flock to see that in stock But forever unseen is that which is green There is no truth more true, they say with great sigh But in truth and lie there is that blatant tie Seize fate, seize hate, seize that with fading light Take sin, take angst, take temptation laced with plight Carry it now to depths of jumbled mind There lay the answer, and inner peace you may find Like diamonds in your hand is that sound in your ear Merely data making clatter and a solitary tear A tear from Metallica, opposers of free sound Garter your blessings and net crimes abound Shield your vitals from the ominous Krauk Who seek retribution for these words on Metalk Can’t find words that rhyme with Krauk Malk, yalk, qualk, embalk So here end this tale of sight and sound I wish this poem was worth one pound

You asked for it

Someone wanted someone on the Casbah to write an update. So I'm gonna do it? Are you ready? Here goes... an update. That is all.