CCN Unveiled - Breaking News

We at the Couch Casbah have always been in tune with current affairs here in Oztralia and abroad in exotic places such as Liechtenstein and Lutherwania, and our persistence in being factually correct in our spelling of international notes of interest brings us to this point at which we feel we are ready to become more forthcoming politically in this public domain. There isn't a shoddy electrician we haven't nailed to a cross in our own time, now we feel it is right to make public the information invested in us by our most trusted of sources, which for legal reasons must remain undisclosed at this juncture. Suffice to say the information to which we have been privy will become less privial in this moment of ultimate truth. Take heed and hark fellows, for Casbah word is like gospel. If you oppose this... you are forgiven, for that is the Amish way. _____________________________________________________________ Bin Laden pokes head out of hole to demonstrate Mariah Careyesque singing skills acquired during isolation Osama bin Laden, head of the Sunni Islamic Al Qaeda organisation and currently the most wanted man in the world, emerged from years of hiding in holes to wish the world a Merry Christmas recently, clearly disorientated and unaware that the festive time was still several months away. He was seen reciting heartwarming ballads “Silent Night (Mustard Gas Over Swinetown)” and “Christmas in the Trenches” in footage reportedly taken last Monday (courtesy Al-Jazeera). Done in an apparent attempt to gain global support for a fund raising push this coming Christmas, bin Laden is going to extreme lengths to muster sympathy from the world since his organization Al-Qaeda fell into liquidation on August 12th this year. “Our caves are collapsing all around us.” bin Laden stated solemnly, “With declining oil to use as adhesive mixture in our cave support structures, we are at a loss. Where will we go when our housing nation’s oil reserves run dry? This land is barren and unforgiving and without fertile soil. Besides, farming revenue doesn’t convert into AK47s as well as oil or US funding does because land cultivation is for girly-men. We turn to you, the world, to help build us back into the generally irritating, excessively violent and unnecessary entity we once were.” These words inspired thousands in the watching Muslim world to burn life-size dolls of Barbara Streisand in the streets and ransack Churches in defiance of western control of their fate while the rest of the world looked on in baffled silence out of respect for their religious beliefs. In a build up to his most powerful performance yet, bin Laden then proceeded to grasp hands with fellow world figure US President George Bush, reuniting for the first time since bin Laden’s CIA training in the Gulf War and setting aside their differences for a brief moment of touching sentimentality. They sung a very new sounding “Let’s Pillage This Rock And Roll Bodies Into Ditches” with tear jerking heart and vigor, luring the audience into a state of emotional peace. Later, Bush made an even bigger impact with his soaring solo piece “Can’t You See, It’s Texas Tea For Me”. During a particularly special moment for everyone’s favourite “bin ladel” (popular youth spin on a tool devised by street scavengers to remove items of perceived worth out of access-restricted public rubbish bins), a Gregorian choir assembled with him on stage and as one they chanted a dazzling interpretation of the Dead or Alive classic “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)”. Nobody is sure of the relevance of this song to the cause; in fact it is generally agreed among social commentators that it was completely and utterly irrelevant. With these efforts to alter his negative public image it is presumed that if effective, Bush’s own foreign policy may need to be altered in response to predicted plummeting public opinion of US presence in the middle-east. This would, political voices have stated, relieve many of the tensions in the region of late. Osama bin Laden’s angel voice could well be the saving grace in the bosom of human existence. Spokespeople for bin Laden state music videos shall be released soon as part of the Al Qaeda publicity drive program. ©CCN 2006 _____________________________________________________________ Please feel free to engage in lengthy discussion in the comments section regarding this story. Or, discuss other topics of note, such as the amazing story that featured on A Current Affair earlier about the Betta-Blinds employee that used plastic nails and chewing gum to hoist drawing curtains in many suburban Sydney homes over the last few months. Tradesmen these days, seriously. Pure scum. Needless to say the news anchor responded accordingly with lip pursage and a subtle shake of the head. "Shocking." Meanwhile thousands die of starvation in Sudan in what can be classified as genocide, but that apparantly is less relevant.