I Wish

I know that this song has been out for a while but I was watching So Fresh (don't ask me why) on TV and found out that Sandi Thom's I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker(With Flowers In My Hair) was still #1 on the ARIA charts. I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair) [Chorus] oh i wish i was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair, in '77 and '69, revolution was in the air, i was born too late, into a world that doesn't care, oh i wish i was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair, [Verse 1] when head of state didn't play guitar, not everybody drove a car, when music really mattered and when radio was king, when accountants didn't have control, and the media couldn't buy your soul, and computers were still scary and we didn't know everything, [Chorus] [Verse 2] when popstars still remained a myth, and ignorance could still be bliss, and god save the queen, she turned a whiter shade of pale, my mum and dad were in their teens and anarchy was still a dream, and the only way to stay in touch was a letter in the mail, [Chorus] [Verse 3] when record shops were still on top, and vinyl was all that they stocked, and the super-info highway was still drifting out in space, kids were wearing hand me downs, and playing games meant kick around, and footballers still had long hair and dirt across their face, [Chorus] She wishes she was a Punk Rocker... She was born in 1981, how could she possibly know what it was like during her fantastic hippie/punk era? Books, stories, gossip, newspapers, parents, grandparents, the internet? She claims "she was born too late, into a world that doesn't care", how would she know exactly that she would get a ticker tape parade if she was born in the 60's or 70's? Because the world as we know it today is depressing. It has to be, doesn't it? Her debut album is titled Smile...it confuses people. Clearly, according to Sandi Thom, we live in a world void of happiness, love and compassion. How does she come to this conclusion you think? I have a theory: She watches too much TV But wait, isn't she against the media magnate control of our view of the world? She goes back to a time (in her Delorian time machine) "when accountants didn't have control, and the media couldn't buy your soul". But deep down, isn't she sold by the misery that evening news bulletins and 24 hour cable news channels provide? She wants to go back to a time when "computers were still scary" BUT WAIT, Sandi Thom used technology to get her career off the ground. The following is from her website: "Instead of driving to gigs up and down the country with her band in her clapped-out car, as she had done for years, the singer from Scotland resolved to try a different approach. She bought a webcam, and announced a run of 21 shows to be performed on consecutive nights during February and March in the basement of her flat in Tooting, South London. The audience capacity in the flat itself was limited to just six people. But the half-hour shows were to be broadcast, free of charge, via her website at www.sandithom.com. The first night, 70 people tuned in to watch, the next night it went up to 670. And by the middle of the second week she was performing to a peak audience of 70,000." What the hell is she complaining about?!? She's opposed to the very thing that launched her career! Is this songwriting or using today's lifestyle as a scapegoat for all of humanity's problem. Another thing, look at the numbers, it's clearly made up. The pickup rate is astronomical for a no namer artist, and by no means has the resources to host 70, 000 people on her server! If you feel the same way about this then you should see the rest of her lyrics here. Her songs all follow a strict formula and there is no variation at all. Lyrically anyway. Look at the first word of each line of all her lyrics, it's all the same, not too mention the same chorus, verse, chorus, verse structure. Sandi Thom is her own enemy. She's against the corporation, mass media. But she's signed with Sony, with a huge marketing campaign behind her back. What is she trying to be anyway? A try hard hippie that's going to be "alternative" pop? She's heading down the road of an anti-star that lives in Malibu. Of course I am taking this song too seriously, but hell, there's going to be 5 year olds that will go "Boy, I do miss the Cold War, when Duck and Cover was the phrase". This is not nostalgia! This is clear cut marketing! There's going to be supporters saying "the song is meant to be ironic!", well great. I've got more clever irony for a song "I wish I was dead, but alive" or "I protect animals, by eating them". Give me a break! Is this world THAT bad? Do we really have to be suicidal to live in today's society? I fuckin' hope not because I see plenty of happy people in my neighbourhood. Maybe things are different in the non-stop city lifestyle of Macduff, Scotland (2004 population estimate of 3,870 people) where the 12 hour traffic lines are horrendous. Why stop there Sandi? Why stop there? Let's hark back to the days of the dinosaur, when the wheel was a pipedream and civilisation was a colony of rats. Ahh yes, the screeches of a T-Rex hunting it's prey. There was a real sense of community then, music had real meaning then (which at the time, were primarily mating calls of the Velociraptor). Things were much simpler then, no school, no work. No sir, all you had to do was survive. It was BUSH LAW. Ok maybe she's just having some fun, it has to be. It's too ridiculous! But fluffy bunnies a burping hobo with a string quartet could conjure up deeper emotional social babble than Sandi Thom.

It's All Good

Dear Diary, I am hoping that nobody reads this. I hope that this doesn’t reach its target audience. But knowing at least someone will know how good I am? That gives me the biggest orgasm since man landed on the moon. Behold my mind’s processes Let’s begin REVOLUTION 9 Why am I such a good person? Seriously, do I really have to be subjugated to the primordial filth that is people? I do not hold grudges or anything, but I remember 15 years ago when someone in the mall bumped into me. It was traumatic, not only because I spent 10 years in Boot Camp, but because I eat apples. Yes, I am a big believer in “treat others how you wish to be treated”. Come to think of it, I am a really good person….have I told myself that? Unfortunately there are infidels who do not agree with me. They are bitches. But I am not one to hold a grudge. Abuse is a form of therapy. Because we ALL need help in some way (thankyou Dr. Phil). I am a good person, because I have had a bar of soap jammed up my arse for a year now. I pity the fool that thinks that I am evil. Because frankly, I am a good person. Let me tell myself about some infidels: Example A) I am a really good person, and it offends people. Kinda like Bob. Bob is a bad person. I am a good person. Bob ate cake in my presence, this made me angry. It was carrot cake, with gingerbread men prancing on top. Bob knew better, I abused Bob. Bob deserved all the poor treatment I was giving him, because he needed therapy. I am a good person NUMBER 9 Example B) Oprah used to be a friend of mine. Until recently I abused Oprah, she didn’t appreciate my therapy. So Oprah tried to abuse me too. I am in the right, because (say it with me) I am a good person. I am so good I should be a Saint. Hold that thought, I am too good for Christ. Unfortunately it takes pain and suffering for someone to be a better person. Christ was not good enough. I have had this bar of soap lodged in my arse for a year, what has He done? Died? Pffft. Who cares? I AM A GOOD PERSON Example C) I was shaving yesterday and Godzilla knocked on the door and I was like LOLZ. What a n00b, I am like a totally lvl 95 Human with the Sword of 2000 Truths. ROFFEL. I heard Godzilla had like a totally sweet Helmet of Enlightenment, but I had an extra mana potion. Godzilla totally got pwned. NIIIIIIICE NUMBER 9 I hate two faced people. I can be two faced because (yes) I AM A GOOD PERSON. I don’t need any explanation because I AM A GOOD PERSON I like abusing the fuck out of people because I AM A GOOD PERSON Hip-hop ain’t what it used to be because I AM A GOOD PERSON Nigger need be preaching because I AM A GOOD PERSON People who try to be friends with me are bitches because I AM A GOOD PERSON Play y’all my homies, don’t you know the truth…fo’ real, ‘cause we don’t stop. We keep rockin’ y’all I have never felt this way about anyone else. I am not up myself LOLZ, I hate fights. Life is hard, why do I have to live. Shit I forgot! I can just kill myself. I should really do that one day. Laters you foul, oil swindling pig infidels! WHOOO, feels better posting on the internet than putting it in a word document. I don't like offending people.

CCN Unveiled - Breaking News

We at the Couch Casbah have always been in tune with current affairs here in Oztralia and abroad in exotic places such as Liechtenstein and Lutherwania, and our persistence in being factually correct in our spelling of international notes of interest brings us to this point at which we feel we are ready to become more forthcoming politically in this public domain. There isn't a shoddy electrician we haven't nailed to a cross in our own time, now we feel it is right to make public the information invested in us by our most trusted of sources, which for legal reasons must remain undisclosed at this juncture. Suffice to say the information to which we have been privy will become less privial in this moment of ultimate truth. Take heed and hark fellows, for Casbah word is like gospel. If you oppose this... you are forgiven, for that is the Amish way. _____________________________________________________________ Bin Laden pokes head out of hole to demonstrate Mariah Careyesque singing skills acquired during isolation Osama bin Laden, head of the Sunni Islamic Al Qaeda organisation and currently the most wanted man in the world, emerged from years of hiding in holes to wish the world a Merry Christmas recently, clearly disorientated and unaware that the festive time was still several months away. He was seen reciting heartwarming ballads “Silent Night (Mustard Gas Over Swinetown)” and “Christmas in the Trenches” in footage reportedly taken last Monday (courtesy Al-Jazeera). Done in an apparent attempt to gain global support for a fund raising push this coming Christmas, bin Laden is going to extreme lengths to muster sympathy from the world since his organization Al-Qaeda fell into liquidation on August 12th this year. “Our caves are collapsing all around us.” bin Laden stated solemnly, “With declining oil to use as adhesive mixture in our cave support structures, we are at a loss. Where will we go when our housing nation’s oil reserves run dry? This land is barren and unforgiving and without fertile soil. Besides, farming revenue doesn’t convert into AK47s as well as oil or US funding does because land cultivation is for girly-men. We turn to you, the world, to help build us back into the generally irritating, excessively violent and unnecessary entity we once were.” These words inspired thousands in the watching Muslim world to burn life-size dolls of Barbara Streisand in the streets and ransack Churches in defiance of western control of their fate while the rest of the world looked on in baffled silence out of respect for their religious beliefs. In a build up to his most powerful performance yet, bin Laden then proceeded to grasp hands with fellow world figure US President George Bush, reuniting for the first time since bin Laden’s CIA training in the Gulf War and setting aside their differences for a brief moment of touching sentimentality. They sung a very new sounding “Let’s Pillage This Rock And Roll Bodies Into Ditches” with tear jerking heart and vigor, luring the audience into a state of emotional peace. Later, Bush made an even bigger impact with his soaring solo piece “Can’t You See, It’s Texas Tea For Me”. During a particularly special moment for everyone’s favourite “bin ladel” (popular youth spin on a tool devised by street scavengers to remove items of perceived worth out of access-restricted public rubbish bins), a Gregorian choir assembled with him on stage and as one they chanted a dazzling interpretation of the Dead or Alive classic “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)”. Nobody is sure of the relevance of this song to the cause; in fact it is generally agreed among social commentators that it was completely and utterly irrelevant. With these efforts to alter his negative public image it is presumed that if effective, Bush’s own foreign policy may need to be altered in response to predicted plummeting public opinion of US presence in the middle-east. This would, political voices have stated, relieve many of the tensions in the region of late. Osama bin Laden’s angel voice could well be the saving grace in the bosom of human existence. Spokespeople for bin Laden state music videos shall be released soon as part of the Al Qaeda publicity drive program. ©CCN 2006 _____________________________________________________________ Please feel free to engage in lengthy discussion in the comments section regarding this story. Or, discuss other topics of note, such as the amazing story that featured on A Current Affair earlier about the Betta-Blinds employee that used plastic nails and chewing gum to hoist drawing curtains in many suburban Sydney homes over the last few months. Tradesmen these days, seriously. Pure scum. Needless to say the news anchor responded accordingly with lip pursage and a subtle shake of the head. "Shocking." Meanwhile thousands die of starvation in Sudan in what can be classified as genocide, but that apparantly is less relevant.

Daft shop assistants

It's been a long absence from the Couch, but seeing the new format, I thought I just had to contribute. And today's rant is... WHY CAN'T FIRMS HIRE INTELLIGENT PEOPLE?! As some people would be aware, I've been looking for a job for the past few years, usually around Christmas. This year it was looking good for David Jones, but unfortunately they didn't end up offering me a job. Which is fine. They can only take so many people in an intake of staff. But what annoys me is when I go around to various stores in Adelaide and find that they are staffed by ingrates and morons. A couple of classic examples for you: #1: THE COFFEE SHOP CRETIN Courtney and I were in town last Saturday, checking out the East End Market and whatnot, and on the way back, we decided to stop in to Gloria Jean's in Borders. This we did because I quite like their Mocha and Courtney likes their Tim Tam Shake thingy. But anyhoo, they have one of those customer reward programs, where you get a card and the number of coffees you buy is marked on there. Once you buy ten, your eleventh coffee is free. Through the amazing medium of MS Paint, mine looked rather like this: So, as I was ordering two drinks, I looked at the card, saw stamps all the way down to nine, and figured, hey, I was about to get a free coffee. I walked to the counter, ordered a mocha and a shake, and handed over my card. The girl behind the counter looked at the card and told me that I'd have to pay full price. Me: "Um...why?" Girl: "Because you've only got eight stamps." Me: "But all of the numbers from one to nine are stamped. So I've got nine stamps." Girl: "No, that one on the number two is just a smudge. It's not really a stamp." Looking at it again, I thought that maybe she was right. But still... Me: "But why would you jump from one to three, and miss two out?" Girl (now sarcastic and impatient): "What you don't seem to be able to understand is that we're under a lot of stress here!" Right. So there you have it. Apparently a woman taking an order for coffee is faaaar too stressed to realise that two comes after one and before three, and the very notion of being able to stamp in a straight line? Well, that's just arrogant presumption. I begrudgingly paid full price, so she took my card, and put two stamps on it. Now, at this, I figured it was all worked out. She would stamp 2 and 10, and my next coffee would be free. But no! She again ignored two, and instead put the ink mark in the middle of the card, like so: ...and then she served my mocha, except it wasn't a mocha. It was a hot chocolate. She had forgotten the coffee! By this time, I was pretty peeved, but kept this to myself, lest she then tell me that she's far too stressed to be able to give a customer what they ordered. Heavens above, next I'd be expecting her to give me the drink in a cup! BUT it doesn't end there! Yesterday I went back to Gloria Jean's, and was served by a different girl. Now to get my free coffee! Girl: "Um...you could've bought a free coffee last time." Me: "How?" Girl: "All of your numbers are stamped. And what's that ink mark in the middle of the card?" So a question here is: how do people like Saturday's Gloria Jean's barista get jobs? But the grand perpetrator of crap service isn't this coffee shop. It is, in fact, a cramped, hot, smelly store that just about everyone goes to... #2: JB HI-FI DOES IT AGAIN ...or does it far too many times. Is it a prerequisite for JB that you must be some mopey emo who can only grunt at customers, if indeed you notice the customers at all? Customer service here is nil. Example: Customer: "I see you have Season 1 of Star Trek for $64, but Season 2 for $55. Aren't they supposed to be the same?" Emo Shop Assistant: "Um...no?" Customer: "Well, why is Season 1 more expensive?" ESA: "Er....it just is." Whereas a cursory glance of their catalogue and their website shows that, indeed, both are supposed to be $55. Nor is it exactly great store etiquette to have the only two register operators conducting a sticky-tape fight, ignoring the ten or so customers in an ever-growing queue. So I ask again: why do firms hire idiots to work for them? It doesn't do their image any good, surely. Customers are more likely to go to stores where they are well-treated by friendly assistants, not jackarses (yes, Sheepy, I'll bow to you and say "arse") who can't put a coherent sentence together, and seem oblivious to the task that they're paid to perform. One final bit of incompetence: JB register: customer is buying a DVD ($29.99) and a CD ($19.95). Shop assistant stares at the DVD and CD, then at the customer, scratches her head, then reaches for her calculator. Having done the sum, she does it again to make sure. When the customer gives her $50, she asks him how much change she owes him. ARGH!!

Nepabunna, the real story

Part of the criteria for my High School Diploma (IB) I was studying for, part of the requirments was that all IB students had to go to a Aboriginal community called Nepabunna. We had heard all sorts of stories from that place, but it generally sounded fun....at the time. This is a story of my trip to Nepabunna: 2003 On the way there, one of my teachers, Mr. Gaynor was telling the busload full of students about the Coulthard family. This family was THE family in the settlement. Because there was no police for kilometeres the family were the enforcers of law and order unto the town. According to Mr. Gaynor, this family is tough as nails, in 2002 an IB student was playing chess in the communal hall and the Coulthard family took racial offense to that and totally bashed his ass up, 12 Coulthards to 1 IB student. We were 60kms out from the settlement until we heard small arms fire. The bus ahead of me slowed down, only to be destroyed by RPG fire. All the students on my bus quickly got the hell out of there and ran for our lives. Our school would later tell us that it was an Al-Qaeda terror cell operating in the area and mistook us for a U.S. convoy. Shocked, we had to press on to our objective. We climbed mountains and ate kangaroos for breakfast. After a days walk we arrived at Nepabunna. We managed to settle in two little cabins, one for boys and one for girls. There we were able to regoup and gather our thoughts on the events that had passed. And of course, PARTY. But this period of peace did not last long, for I was to run into some members of the Coulthard family. The lead man, whose name was Tyrone, or Mr. T told me "You stole my land, you stole my water, you stole my daughter....APOLOGISE" I had no idea what Mr. T was on about so I said "Sorry Nigger, but I don't speak jive". Bad move. In a furious fit of rage, Mr. T exclaimed "YOU WILL DIE CHINK, YOU WILL DIE WITHIN 24 HOURS". As I went to retire for the night, I was given a warning. My bed was DESTROYED. I knew I had to get the hell outta dodge and leave this place. The whole IB platoon had to get out. We all knew it, our dorms were increasingly under attack by insurgents and casualities were increasing. Those damn Muslim Coulthards were throwing a Jihad all over our asses. So I did what I knew best....I made a rocket couch. A couch that was so damn impressive that James Bond would be jealous. I was to name the couch the Rick James, and had an arsenal of three anti-tank shells, depleted uranium 120mm shells and three mortars. With my warcry "I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH" needless to say, the Coulthards were no more. After "liberating" one of the Coulthard's Datsuns, the IB platoon made its long haul back to Mercedes. Only for our story to be classified and a press friendly version made to get more enrollments. Don't be fooled, I've been there. I've been there and have been lucky enough to come back. Others wont be.... How many people you know can make rocket couches? True Story.